I’ve been quiet for a few weeks, I haven’t felt like writing anything. I haven’t felt like putting pen to paper – fingertips to keys. To be truthful, I haven’t felt like I’ve had anything to say.
I started this blog as a way to express my feelings when it comes to being a mum. To put my thoughts and ideas and experiences out there. But lately I’ve wondered why should I? There are more mom blogs out on the webisphere than there are half drunk cups of tea in a house with toddlers, why should I add to that infinite black hole? What will make mine any different?
And then yesterday I went looking for ideas for toddler related stuff. Its October so naturally the organised side of my brain starts thinking about Christmas.
Actually, thats a lie, the organised side of my brain has been thinking about Christmas since May. The common sense and logic side of my brain has started allowing the glitter and tinsel to poke through because its Autumn.
While searching for toddler related ideas for Christmas presents I ended up on multiple Mom blogs all with similar ideas and a similar sound. And all with similar picture perfect lives. Or if they’re not picture perfect, they still come out sounding all happy and breezy and a bit of oh isn’t my life wonderful even with its blips? And I get that. I feel that way too. I like my life, I adore my son, I wouldn’t change him. But I can tell you right now we are not perfect. I don’t always like my life, today is a good day. He is not perfect. His bedtime routine has been thrown out the window the last week and I’ve considered throwing him out too. Our lives are messy and have been upended with having a child and then Covid throwing us for a loop. And I do not ever want to come on here and write about how great my life is, especially if I’m having a crap week. And we’ve been having a few of them lately, so I avoided writing, rather than writing the truth.
Don’t let me get away with that again.
All this is to say, I don’t want to be like the Mom Blogs you find when you google ‘Ideas for Stocking Fillers’ or ‘Why won’t my toddler sleep?’. And I hope I’m not. Don’t get me wrong, I have found solice many a night on one or twelve of those Mom Blogs. They’ve given me some wonderful game and food ideas, they have eased my fears, but they’ve also given me extra Mom Guilt. No one needs more of that.
I want people to read this and know that I am a real person. A for real life first time mom. And I worry every day about being good enough for my kid.
And then. Then we go for a walk and he holds my hand for the whole hour we are out exploring and I remember that I am good enough for him. Who needs anything else?
I should add, there are of course Mom Blogs out there that do not adhere to the perfect life rhetoric, and there are some wonderful accounts on places like Instagram that feel real and honest when talking about being a parent (@anxiousmoms being my number 1, she speaks my language). But the hard part is searching for something, usually when you are feeling weak and low and extremely imperfect, and finding the internet takes you to a place that appears full of rainbows and fluffy clouds and sweetness and light. Its tough to stomach, and tough to wade through to get to the honesty. There isn’t a lot of that around these days.